I’m not the same woman you left
You also said this wasn’t the End
You knew you were leaving me
You sang to me lullabies in the park
I pushed the tears away
You always made me laugh and cry
I’m very public and emotive
You enjoyed it, always accepted it;
Only later did I learn that my tears and sadness can make others uncomfortable.
It’s too much effort to act cheerful
Or to lie about my pain.
You knew, you knew, but you wanted to leave me with no guilt,
So you picked out obscure things about me and told me that they made you proud of me.
You told me that you loved me
And I saw it in your blue eyes
That looked like they came from Heaven
With a holy light of love animating them
Connecting with my brown eyes
Like right after I was born.
I told you I love you
You said I love you more
I said no I love you more.
You always said you were a safe place for me to fall.
I walked through your last week in an anxious daze, in dread and denial,
Shock, anger, and loneliness.
I hope I didn’t fail you.
It was so cold.
Everything you’ve ever done is etched on my heart,
Just like I told you.
I was afraid you would pass
I regret leaving you
I hope you didn’t feel abandoned
I wanted a chance to take care of you
But you weren’t tethered to terrestrial things
Most of your loves, except me, were in Heaven….or beyond the veil.
You were my connection to God,
To the saints, to Mary, to faith,
I don’t pray the Rosary these days.
You told me how lucky you were to have a daughter who prayed the Rosary with you every night on the phone.
You told me what disappointed you about me, but you told me that it didn’t matter overall.
You knew you weren’t much longer for the world. You were trying to leave me with no guilt.
I miss you so enormously and I can’t believe I can’t hug you again.
During our Thanksgiving visit I was afraid to leave your side.
You were my world.
No one else will listen to my tears and reassure me that things will be alright
I have to act strong for everyone else
You let me be weak and loved me regardless.
Sometimes I feel like I lost my compass, I have no anchor in the world.
Forgive me for ever hurting you, I couldn’t even see it then
But I see it now and it’s unbearable.